Need a break 🙁

Welcome victoria123

Firstly, I want to thank you for being such a great wife to your husband! The fact that you’ve been your husbands caregiver for so long is astounding. I can totally understand why you’re tired and in need of a break.

I personally don’t think it’s fair to use your partner as your primary caregiver since they’re your companion, not your nurse. With that said, I think you need to explain to your husband that being his caregiver for all those years have taken a toll on you and you need to rest. It doesn’t mean you love or care for him any less and you need to make him understand that. Tell him that you guys need to arrange some type of nursing care to take the physical burden off of you.

Let us know how it goes!

Yes it's best to be clear on where you live as different areas have different regulations

victoria123, you are thinking clearly, but (no surprise) he isn’t. He will be so glad that you’ve trained someone else how to care for him if you ever become ‘out of commission’ for even a few days. Training someone else how to care for him is the only prudent thing to do. It will give you a chance to write down in a book all the things he needs done and what to do if ‘this’ or ‘that’ should occur.

My new aide, that just started today, has been caring for a young man with severe muscular dystrophy,..practically quadraplegic. She moved to my area and he lost her. I’d thought briefly, a moment ago, that if you were in my area, I’d put you two together, but “alas”!

Hi Victoria. As a wife and carer I can sympathise totally with you. I do not need to do anything like as much as you do for my husband and have only been doing it for 6 years but I find myself hankering after a break now and then - a few days with no one to think about but myself. I don't think that is selfish.
However in our case it is finance as much as anything that stops this happening. Here in my part of the UK, respite is seldom funded by the Council or the government and is expensive. In house care at a specialist respite place is mega expensive - a week would cost around £1500. I looked into a temporary PA but that isn't do able - again because of the cost and also availability. A few days to train then a week while you are away is about the same cost as a respite home, as my husband would need someone to be there at night time too. It's a tough one as budgets are already stretched to cover physio which we pay for privately and all the hundred other expenses having a chronic medical condition entails.
Have you managed a break together? Being out of routine and somewhere different helps me. How about somewhere like The Calvert Trust? They are a charity that offers holidays at their centres (focus is on outdoor activities) which are partly funded for families like yourself.
www.calvert-trust.org.uk/
There is some good help here from Carers UK - maybe they can help? They have a PDF which tells you where to go to find out if there is any financial help available to you.
www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice/health/looking-after-your-health/taking-a-break
Maybe a family member, close friend or your GP can talk to your husband about why you getting a break is important? It's an emotional subject if he is resistant and can be hard to discuss without emotion. I guess after so many years of you doing what you do he is scared of someone he doesn't trust so much taking over for a few days. I understand that. But honestly - if you are having "a bit of a 'breakdown' " then he might have to face much worse than a few days with another carer if he doesn't engage.
I get plenty of time off during the day as once we have done the morning routine, he can manage without me until bedtime - so time off is not a problem unless it involves me being away overnight. We also manage to get away for short breaks together. For the present it is enough for me.
Sorry for long post - but please do get in touch with Carers UK for some proper advice on the best way to get some time away - they are really helpful and totally understand things from your perspective.

I watched a Dr. Phil (psychologist) TV show a long time ago, wherein he said something that stuck in my mind and occassionally recurs to me. (It’s not that I think everything Dr. Phil says is correct,...this one just did get my attention.) This particular show was about an unmarried couple who lived together. (It had nothing to do with paralysis or caregiving.) When these two young people had gotten together, moved in together, and decided to live together, the “husband” had told the “wife” that they didn’t need to get married for them to have a legitimate union,...that a legal marriage was ‘just a piece of paper’. The woman had agreed to this, and they had been together for several years. But the woman became increasingly unhappy, wanting to marry the man. When she would broach the subject, he would become angry, accusing her of trying to break their “vows” to each other to stay together. Dr. Phil, with both of them before him, explained to the woman that “this works for HIM.” It took a few minutes more for it to sink in on the woman that there was a choice that was before her, if indeed the arrangement did not work for HER. Then the young man caught on to the fact that Dr. Phil was opening the woman’s mind to the choice of reneging on her agreement with the young man and leaving him,...if it didn’t “work for HER”. The young man was in shock and furious at Dr. Phil for de-stabilizing the little kingdom he had created with his girlfriend. The very idea that she could walk away from him!

I have a deep respect for the marriage arrangement and for people who value their vows, even when things get difficult. But sometimes imperfect humans try to create an ‘alternate universe’ and impose that universe (or kingdom) on their marriage mate, and the one creating this kingdom gets the other to buy into it. This ‘alternate universe’ may have nothing to do with what God intended when he instituted the marriage arrangement.

You need some relief from physical work and from continuous mental responsibility. Your mate has had you available to himself almost 24/7. That works for HIM. But, without in any way disregarding your marriage vows or other high moral principles, if you need help caring for your husband, you have the right to get that help, whether he agrees or not, because it also matters what works for YOU. And if that doesn’t work for HIM, then...well, I guess he has a phone.

You are so welcome, victoria123. I sort of save saying things like that for when there are circumstances that really require it.