A thought-provoking post. The thing that struck me about this post is the quality of the writing. You say you are in an advanced literary class. It shows. Since you could not make two decisions at once, you can only ever ponder what the best response should have been. You chose to go to the front of the class and let everybody see you for what you are, therefore you will never know how you felt if you did not make this move but remain behind your desk. I personally think you made the right choice. “This is what I am.” This real-life situation has similarities with the function of quantum particles. Subatomic particles have an infinite number of possibilities and only when the observer looks does the infinity of possibilities collapse into to one reality. It didn’t matter what choice you made, you could only look at it from that perspective. If you had chosen to sit behind a desk, you would now probably wish you hadn’t. “What would it have been like if I’d had gone to the front and let them see me as I am?” What is clear, abundantly clear, is the fact that you can write. You can put your thoughts and experiences in in a way that engages the reader. What I would do if I were you, is nurture this gift. Let it flourish, let it grow. Become a writer. Such fraught experiences as yours — no matter how simple — should be welcomed, whether they be good or bad. For they are fertile ground for the imagination. Let your spasms spasm. I am what I am. Take me as I am. This is me. If you don’t like it then you can stuff it.